so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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