alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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