I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
