I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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