My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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