Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You ruined the universe
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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