They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
