I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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