i was rollin on her like bob the builder
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
