You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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