I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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