The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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