so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
