dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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