Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
