It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
