he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
