I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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