Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
