hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
