She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
