words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
