The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This baby is an asshole
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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