hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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