Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I see more hoeing in ur future
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