I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize