can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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