I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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