dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
