hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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