She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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