so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
