respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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