Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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