you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize