alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
