i jhust puked up my retainher.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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