you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
