i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
false alarm, still single
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
