im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
