So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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