i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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