drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
