I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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