Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
