did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
