you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
