this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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