moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
