you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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