I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
