I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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