dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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