I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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