somebody snuck up and got me drunk
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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